Don’t repeat your parents mistakes in love
When people hear 'self-sabotage,' they usually picture something big and obvious. Like yelling, cheating, or blowing up your whole life.
I’ve learned, that most of the time, it’s a little quieter than that.
It shows up in small ways. Like not texting first or canceling plans last minute. It’s like putting up a wall, one brick at a time, that leaves you left wondering why you feel so alone.
Sometimes, it’s like you’re building a bridge to someone. You do the work. You put in the time and you get 95% across the way. But right before you finish, right when you can actually see the other person waiting, you stop. You turn around. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You don’t destroy the bridge. You just never let anyone cross it.
Because symbolically, if you finished it, that means someone could actually reach you. And that’s the scary part.
Where the Pattern Comes From
It’s easy to read this and think, 'So I’m the problem. I’m the one that’s broken. I’m the reason things never work out.'
Hold up. That’s exactly the kind of thinking this pattern feeds on.
Here’s the truth: It’s not like you wake up one day and decide to mess up your own life. Which means you learned this, and that also means you can unlearn it.
If this sounds familiar, I’m going to show you where it came from and how to stop letting it get between you and the connections you desire.
It’s most likely you learned this pattern before you even had words for it. You picked it up from the people who were supposed to show you what love looked like, but couldn't. It’s not because they were “bad parents-for the most part. But it’s because they were hurt, too. And hurt people pass down hurt like an inheritance nobody asked for.
If the first people you loved was absent, distant, or made you work just to get their attention, subconsciously you learned: connection equals effort.
The Shift: Fault vs. Responsibility
Once you see where this comes from, everything shifts. I want to remind you of this simple truth: It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility now.
The framework I call PATTERN can help. But first, If you’re not familiar, here’s a quick breakdown of what it represents.
Pause
Awareness
Test Your Thoughts
Test Your Limiting Beliefs
Experiment
Release Your Emotions
Note Your Experiences
We’ll go through all the practices together in future posts, for now, just focus on the first one. It’ll provide immediate results without having to address old emotional wounds (for now).
Why the Pause Matters
Next time you feel that urge to pick a fight, cancel plans, or just shut down. Don’t react right away. Just pause. Even if it’s just for a second.
Before you hit send, before you walk away, say this internally:
"I am safe. I am secure."
That’s it. Say it to yourself before you do anything.
When you pause instead of reacting on autopilot, you give yourself a chance to choose something different. The old pattern starts to loosen its hold. The pause isn’t about being perfect. It’s about giving yourself a real choice.
If you’re ready to walk through all seven practices and finally break old cycles that no longer serve you, you can find the complete blueprint in my book:
👉 [Get Your Copy of The PATTERN Practice]
Thanks for reading,
Until next time.
Termeil Hall